Breaking up is super fucking lame but sometimes it is inevitable. I knew the end was coming. I was just getting way too nice, floating up there in happy love land. Earth called, they wanted their bitch back.
You might be thinking I’m going to start rambling about my shattered dreams and how terrible single life is. Not quite. I was bummed out, sure. But bitches always land on their feet.
Plus, wine is like superglue for a broken heart.
I am not single, I am independent. The people with the best success rate of staying together, are people who know how to be alone. Dependency isn’t just a problem for drug addicts.
But that’s enough pep talk.
My best friend thought it would be funny to sign me up for a dating site. I finished off the bottle of wine and agreed.
Honestly, this membership was a one way ticket to freak city. And great ranting material.
This was the first guys selling point: ”I regularly prepare gourmet meals at home, for me and my dogs.” Does that strike anybody else as odd?
First off, ten pictures of you with your dog does not make me believe that you’re a kind, animal loving, trustworthy guy. It makes me believe that you have no friends. And it becomes a serious disadvantage when the dog has better teeth.
Secondly, I like a man who knows how to cook. I do not need a man who knows how to cook. I don’t want your first message to me to read: “I am cooking a really nice chicken, thai, hot, curry, with onions and spices etc,,,”. Do I look hungry? Good for you! Cook it alone, eat it alone. Enjoy your burning hot, curry diarrhea that you will ultimately face in the morning alone too. I’m perfectly happy with my frozen pizza.
More great lines from my potential suitors:
“I enjoy long, romantic walks to the refrigerator.” Was this supposed to be funny? It might have been if you weren’t 200 lbs overweight. And by the way, 200 lbs does not qualify as a “Few extra pounds”.
“Things like a pepsi or a bag of pistachios really make my day.” I, too, enjoy the simple pleasures in life but at some point you have to raise your standards.
“Hey there young lady.” I don’t want to date anybody that calls me young lady. I don’t have daddy issues. My issues lie with you and your 60 year old audacity. “I do have kids, but don’t worry, they are all over 18.” Oh, well that changes everything! I feel so much better knowing that you just have a couple 4o year olds running around.
There was one guy who actually seemed like he might make the cut. Until, I noticed he had really small, feminine hands. I know this may sound crazy on my part, but dating a guy with small hands totally creeps me out. It’s like being felt up by a child. eek!
I am only at the gates of freak city. My exploration into online dating is just beginning. Stay tuned, people. Things are about to get interesting.