For any of you that have dabbled in online dating, you already know that trying to find your soul mate on the world wide web is like trying to build a hurricane shelter out of Lego’s.
Times are changing though. More and more people are using the internet to find love, sex, or whatever other kind of top secret, creepy shit they are into. Online dating has great potential to actually become what it already claims to be. But there are still a ton of kinks that need to be worked out.
As I said in part one, Entering the Gates of Freak City, I let my friend, Baker sign me up for one of these sites while I was under the influence of some cheap wine.
Well, the entrance fee to freak city was at the very affordable price of my dignity. SOLD to the lowest bidder! Who needs dignity anyway? It’s like that annoying cricket bitching in my ear, slow down, stop and think, you’re embarrassing yourself. Oh, shut the hell up Jiminy. I got this.
In order to start meeting people in this clown palace, you have to fill out your profile. Baker uploaded my most flattering photo’s and then began to fill out the “About Me” section. This was her opener: ”If you like to party, then you will like me!”
She obviously knows way too much of my history to be writing this section. Everyone else had written self praising novels about their lives. I tell her to add that I am a college graduate and have, like, hobbies and stuff. The section ended up being three sentences. Whatever. I’m too drunk to care at this point.
It wasn’t long before all kinds of crazies were messaging me. I won’t bore you with the normal people, because though they are rare, they actually do exist. But I always found a flaw with them. It would be nonsensical for me to date someone who might actually be good for me. Besides, healthy relationships are dull.
This site had a spiffy feature where you can view who added you to their favorites list. And lo and behold! Someone added me as their favorite. Sweet! Lets check this sexy beast out.
Hmmm. It’s a very thin, short, 50-year-old, black man.
And he is wearing a do-rag, taking a “selfie” picture in a broken mirror in what looks to be a shanty town. I shit you not.
My first thought was “how does he afford the membership fees to this site?”
I click to the next picture because let’s be real, he’s got my attention. The second picture is similar to the first except this one has the added bonus of pigeons surrounding him. WTF? It looks like some sort of fucked up family photo. The third picture is just of the pigeons, huddled around shards of glass and cardboard. He can’t be serious. He lives in shanty town with pigeons. PIGEONS! Ya know? Like shitty doves! This might be normal in some parts of the world but this is Florida. I think I’m going to keep my options open and see who else is out there.
I exchanged a few emails with another guy. He seemed normal at first. Until he started asking me why I hadn’t deleted my account yet. I asked him what he meant. He said “It shows that you logged in this morning. Why are you still on that site when you are talking to me? You need to delete it.”
Excuse me? RED FLAG. A couple of conversations and he is already claiming me as his own and forbidding me from talking to any one else. Listen pal, I happen to work as Domestic Violence counselor (shocker, right?) and you clearly have issues. I told him I found someone better looking to talk to. Then he swore at me a few times. Well, that guy is out of the running.
I asked one user if he had a Facebook and if I could add him. He said yes as long as I didn’t mind being bombarded with photos of him and his fiancée.
The next dudes username is BillyBob. I should have known I already had a winner on my hands. But his pictures were cute and he started out nice with the traditional pleasantries. Then things took a turn for the worse. He told me he was an ass man. Uhm, okay, I didn’t ask but thanks for the heads up. Then, he asked me if I had a dirty butt.
Just one of the glories of online dating. Apparently he had some sort of swamp ass fetish. Who knows? I didn’t bother to ask. I just wanted to get me and my clean butt out of that conversation. And that’s probably my cue to depart from Freak City and go back to regular dating. With people who wipe.
The anonymity of the internet can work in disturbing ways. Ugly people pretend to be pretty people. Losers pretend to be cool. And freaks suck you into their freakdom by pretending to be normal.