Your Facebook status sucks.

30 Apr

I’m all about the truth here, so I won’t pretend like I’m not an avid facebooker. But that’s not to be confused with an addict, stalker, or a no-life loser.  When I’m sitting at work or school looking for a reason to postpone productivity, you can bet your ass I’m going to check out my Facebook Newsfeed. It’s right on my phone, notifying me, teasing me, and ultimately seducing me.  It happens. But much like a beer goggled one night stand, I often find myself very soon regretting it.

And that’s because Facebook is inundated with annoying statuses and updates.

I love my job! I love my [imaginary] friends! I love the unicorns that sat on my face today! Could my life get any better? 

Honestly? My life could get better if you didn’t constantly post how perfect your obviously imperfect life is.  Your profile has more bullshit than a cattle field.  I can smell the insecurity and exaggeration oozing out your inflated update.  Nobody believes you. Not the guy that just dumped you.  Not the best friend that just deleted you.  Not even your mother believes you.  Because she knows you’re at home every night, determining what bogus lie to post next. 800 facebook friends and no one to hang out with? Typical.

Here I stand, Empty hands, Wishing my wrists were bleeding, To stop the pain from the beatings.

There’s nothing like depressing song lyrics for a blatant attempt to gain attention.  You may have noticed a trend in my posts, I often imply that I have a phenomenal sense of smell.  It’s similar to how a large portion of your sense of taste is related to smell.  Except, in my case, it’s more closely linked with eyesight.  One look at this status and I can smell the depression, which I assume is a lot like the devils ass.  Facebook is not a suicide hot line. A better song lyric would be “Have you heard about the lonesome loser?”

I have five fingers on each hand.  I like blueberry pancakes. I saw a bus. 

I have five fingers also, but I’d only like to show you one.  Pancakes? Choke on them.  Was it a short bus? Were you on it? Next time you see a bus, jump in front of it.  When you update your status every 5 minutes it just goes to show how uneventful your life really is.  It’s sad.  It’s annoying.  It’s going to earn you a first class ticket to Unfriend City.  Don’t worry, I hear they have blueberry pancakes there.

I know I am not forced to read these statuses and I can unfriend whoever I please. But if I were to unfriend these assholes, who would inspire me to write such informative blog entries?

You know you like it.

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16 Responses to “Your Facebook status sucks.”

  1. Sandi McGuire Mininger April 30, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    And the hearts (<3), for God's sake, don't forget the hearts!

    • TBT May 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

      haha! How did I forget those?

  2. John the Aussie April 30, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    *Crosses to the Bitches side of the line and folds his arms and nods in agreement*

    • TBT May 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

      I knew you would join the dark side eventually! 😉

  3. Zoe Murphy May 1, 2012 at 6:38 am #

    You fucking rock!

    • TBT May 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

      I like to think so, but I’m glad you agree!

  4. thelifeofjamie May 1, 2012 at 9:06 am #

    when people start going crazy with the quotes from philosophers, I start quoting Homer. Homer Simpson that is.

    • TBT May 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

      I know exactly what you mean. I doubt they even understand the quote, or they interpreted it completely wrong. But leave it to Jamie to fight back with the real wisdom we all seek.

  5. theforgottenwife May 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm #

    So true!!! Love it! Oh, and love your blog! Nominated you for the Versatile Bloggers Award – http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/01/this-is-pretty-awesome-my-first-award/ to see the rules and such, if you’d like 🙂 Keep on being you – love it!

    • TBT May 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      Aw, thank you! I really appreciate your support!

  6. The Writer May 1, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    I literally laughed out loud at this… Brilliance. Sheer Brilliance. This is something I’d preach about on my facebook page… but I’d be that lame guy. So, I’ve already done it in my mind.

    • TBT May 3, 2012 at 10:53 am #

      Thank you! I’m flattered!

  7. youarenotlostyouarehere May 2, 2012 at 5:18 am #

    Reblogged this on You Are Not Lost You Are Here and commented:
    The bitchy truth indeed! This blogger is full of sneaky posts – seriously funny stuff and very true. Even if you think you’re too saintly to admit that you’ve been thinking the exact.same.thing.

    • TBT May 3, 2012 at 10:54 am #

      Yay! My first Reblog! You’re awesome!

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