Shit gets real at the Public Pool.

18 Jul

The bitch is back.  I’ve been busy. I graduated from college, met a boy, started looking into better paying jobs, yada yada yada.  But my awesomely supportive friends have encouraged me to continue writing. Even if they are the only 3 people who read it.

I’ve started going to the pool to swim laps for exercise.  Naturally, my friends and I made a few bitchy observations of our fellow pool goers.  We soon realized that the public pool is a place where people lose their inhibitions, and being self-conscious is unheard of.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be the world’s next top model.  But I do make an attempt to be somewhat presentable and not allow myself to look like a street peddling slob.  You don’t have to be a wheat thin to be attractive.  You just need to dress appropriately for your body type.  Translation:  If your body resembles a lightly chewed gummy bear, do not strut around in a string bikini.  And god only knows what the hell you were thinking when you had the Batman emblem permanently inked above your ass crack. All I know is that it gives a whole new, horrific meaning to the term Bat cave. I don’t doubt for a second that an actual bat resided in your rotten rear end.  ANYWAY,  that disclaimer didn’t exactly come out the way I intended.

Some kids seriously piss me off at the pool.  I go to the pool to swim laps.  I am not there to flutter around pretending to be a mermaid.  I am not there to play Crocodile Hunter.  I am not there to play Marco Polo, blindly thrashing around like a retarded beaver.  I am there for exercise. Stay out of my way unless you want to play a little game I call Guess how long I can hold the kid underwater before he passes out.  See those lane ropes kid? Those mark MY territory, which I paid for.  If you cross into my lane, I will not hesitate to swim right over you. I don’t care if you swallow water, become disoriented, and flail around until you sink to the bottom.  That is what the lifeguards are for. Where are your unsightly parents, anyway?

Then there are the kids I pity.  Their parents are actually one of the reasons I decided to start going to the pool.  I don’t want to end up like the monstrously overweight, piece of pig meat, that can be seen basking by the kiddie pool, shoveling chili cheese fries into her garbage disposal of a mouth.  I agree, chili cheese fries are delicious. But, it disgusts me to see a morbidly obese person absorbing calories by the nanosecond, without a care in the world.   At least pretend like your health is important to you.

And then Beefasaurus the swimming dinosaur starts screaming at her son across the pool that it is time to leave.  Everyone is staring at you while you lose your voice trying to gain the attention of your mortified child.  Your son  is successfully ignoring you.  The rest of us aren’t as lucky. And no wonder he is ignoring you, you are grotesquely embarrassing. If I was your kid I would wear a shirt that says “I’m adopted”.

I just feel as though some people have lost all respect for themselves as well as those around them.  And it is very apparent at the swimming pool.

The truth is, if you can plug your nipple into your belly button, you shouldn’t be wearing a bikini.

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13 Responses to “Shit gets real at the Public Pool.”

  1. Rachel Maleady (@rachelmaleady) July 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    “a chewy gummy bear” hahahaha

    so glad you’re back to blogging- I’ve been reading since we both started the LA Family Magazine column!

    • TBT July 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

      thanks! It feels good to be back in the blogging world. It is a nice escape from the real world! lol

  2. hookeymonster July 18, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

    Bahahahaha you’re ruined “bat cave”for me but this was a fucking brilliant come back.

    • TBT July 19, 2012 at 7:44 am #

      That girl ruined batman altogether for me! Lol 😉

  3. John the Aussie July 19, 2012 at 8:13 am #

    ” The truth is, if you can plug your nipple into your belly button, you shouldn’t be wearing a bikini.”

    The best conclusion ever.

    • TBT July 19, 2012 at 11:43 am #

      I’m glad you approve! 😉 and glad to be back!

      • John the Aussie July 19, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

        Everyone is excuse for real life impeding the WordPressing. I seem to be the worse case for it.

  4. bellesogni July 21, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    Too funny!!!

    • TBT July 21, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      Thank you! 🙂

  5. howtoonlinedate July 23, 2012 at 11:08 am #

    “lightly chewed gummy bear”… holy crap…so funny!

    • TBT July 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      always glad to make someone laugh!

  6. jemurr May 1, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    Let me say as a guy and as a comic book nerd a Batman tattoo above a girl’s but-crack is in NO WAY a turn on!

    • TBT May 1, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      and it was poorly done, to top it off!

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