Desperate Download

2 Oct

Are you a pathetic loser who sucks at dating? Do you often find yourself at home on a Friday night, crying into your ice cream while wondering when Prince Charming is going to save you from the shit-breathing dragon that is your life?  Do the employees at your local Vibrators’R’Us know you by name?  Think of all the money you would save on batteries if you could just get a man in your life.

What’s that you say? You can’t get a boyfriend? Well, I’ve got news for you.  There’s an app for that!

Quit uploading new photo’s on your match.com profile.  With the use of this app, your longtime crush will be uploading his dick in your ass in no time!

I’ll share a few tips with you because I am a wonderful friend, and this is what the world has come to.

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Tip #1

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If he smiles back, it means he either likes you or he doesn’t.   Notice his face movements. If he cocks his eyebrows, he thinks you’re fucking weird.  If his nostrils flare, he thinks you fucking reek.  Take a shower for heavens sake.  If he closes his eyes, he thinks you are ugly but is contemplating letting you blow him because it is a known fact that ugly girls give great head.

Tip #2.

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AN OBVIOUS TIP.  Put a bag over your head.

Tip #3.

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And by putting your arm around his neck I mean, put your lips around his dick. She did say make him happy, at least as much as you can. Because you’re probably a loser.

Tip #4.

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If you’re not what society has deemed to be beautiful, find out if he likes dimples. If he doesn’t, VOILA!  You’re on your own.  Probably for the rest of your life.

Tip #5.

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Do NOT kiss with braces! You will get cut, and die! Some boys might be into it, but God sees it as a big NO NO.

Tip #6.

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Be as picky as possible.  If he doesn’t meet every trait on your list, forget him.  After all, you’re perfect, right?

*If he is good looking, respect for other peoples feelings is not required.

This app could be filed under the category ‘Useless’.

Tip #6.

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If you don’t have the nerve to approach a guy who has caught your eye, consider being his stalker.  Start by stalking his facebook photos until you find one where you can Photoshop your face next to his.  Break into his bedroom window and leave the picture on his pillow to let him know you are interested.

Tip #7.

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Go overboard? I’m pretty sure downloading this app was rock bottom.

Tip #8.

Do not use any of the tips listed above.

The reviews raved about this app.  One girl said that it only took the use of one of these tips to find her boyfriend.  I’m pretty confident it was tip #3.

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