Entering the Gates of Freak City

25 Apr

Breaking up is super fucking lame but sometimes it is inevitable.  I knew the end was coming. I was just getting way too nice, floating up there in happy love land.  Earth called, they wanted their bitch back.

You might be thinking I’m going to start rambling about my shattered dreams and how terrible single life is.  Not quite. I was bummed out, sure. But bitches always land on their feet.

Plus, wine is like superglue for a broken heart.

I am not single, I am independent.  The people with the best success rate of staying together, are people who know how to be alone. Dependency isn’t just a problem for drug addicts.

But that’s enough pep talk.

My best friend thought it would be funny to sign me up for a dating site.  I finished off the bottle of wine and agreed.

Honestly, this membership was a one way ticket to freak city.  And great ranting material.

This was the first guys selling point: ”I regularly prepare gourmet meals at home, for me and my dogs.”  Does that strike anybody else as odd?

First off, ten pictures of you with your dog does not make me believe that you’re a kind, animal loving, trustworthy guy.  It makes me believe that you have no friends. And it becomes a serious disadvantage when the dog has better teeth.

Secondly, I like a man who knows how to cook. I do not need a man who knows how to cook. I don’t want your first message to me to read: “I am cooking a really nice chicken, thai, hot, curry, with onions and spices etc,,,”.  Do I look hungry? Good for you! Cook it alone, eat it alone. Enjoy your burning hot, curry diarrhea that you will ultimately face in the morning alone too.  I’m perfectly happy with my frozen pizza.

More great lines from my potential suitors:

“I enjoy long, romantic walks to the refrigerator.”  Was this supposed to be funny? It might have been if you weren’t 200 lbs overweight.  And by the way, 200 lbs does not qualify as a “Few extra pounds”.

“Things like a pepsi or a bag of pistachios really make my day.”  I, too, enjoy the simple pleasures in life but at some point you have to raise your standards.

“Hey there young lady.”  I don’t want to date anybody that calls me young lady. I don’t have daddy issues. My issues lie with you and your 60 year old audacity.   “I do have kids, but don’t worry, they are all over 18.”  Oh, well that changes everything! I feel so much better knowing that you just have a couple 4o year olds running around.

There was one guy who actually seemed like he might make the cut.  Until, I noticed he had really small, feminine hands.  I know this may sound crazy on my part, but dating a guy with small hands totally creeps me out.  It’s like being felt up by a child. eek!

I am only at the gates of freak city. My exploration into online dating is just beginning. Stay tuned, people. Things are about to get interesting.

Cinderella can’t walk in Hooker Heels.

22 Apr

We decide to go to the bar for one of my very good friends birthday. There is half empty drinks sitting on the only open table. I walk over to the two guys sitting a few yards away. I ask them if they know if the table is open. They proceed to tell me that they find me attractive.

Well, everyone knows that a good birthday starts with a pregame. So, yes, I was already buzzed prior to our arrival to the bar. One guy is nice, and one is cute. The cute one lives up to the douche stereotype, but I ignore this because I have already consumed alcohol. We flirt and then I leave so my group can stake our claim at the table. We continue drinking.

I meet up with Bar Stud later. He has gotten cuter. We talk for awhile and he asks if I want to see his dog in the truck.  No, dog is not code for anything dirty.

We walk outside and there is in fact a dog locked in his truck. I go up to the cracked window and the dog violently growls at me. Chill with the anger, bro.

I ask him what the dogs name is. He says his name is Gangster Baby. That’s not even a real name. That sounds like he just made it up on the spot.  He opens the truck door and the dog instantly runs away.  Probably because he was named Gangster Baby. What the heck is he going to name his children if Gangster Baby is already taken?
Oh, Hi! Nice to meet you! This is my son, Thug Life, and my daughter, Money Maker.
Seriously.

I shiver, he gives me his jacket.

Thanks to my good friend, beer, we still somehow end up kissing.  Then, I spot some of my friends leaving. They see me, and I think oh fuck. I am extremely embarrassed. They pretend not to judge me while telling me my other friends are wondering where I am.

I try to nonchalantly walk in their direction. I trip on my heel and slam to the ground. They continue walking trying to spare me the embarrassment.

Not again! I stand up as fast as I can. I sit on his truck seat examining the bloody damage. Bar Stud is now Bar Dud, and has officially lost all appeal. He is kneeling checking out my bleeding knees. I am busy cursing my entire life’s existence when he asks me if I want him to kiss it to make it feel better. Excuse me? I have a Dad, thank you. And who does he think he is? Edward Cullen? Because I feel like I’m in the Twilight zone. This isn’t happening to me right now. Get the hell away from my blood, fucking freak!

I literally jog back into the bar, still in my heels, telling him I have to go. I feel like a slutty Cinderella.

My other friends that are still in the bar spot me.
“Did you fall?”
“No, I don’t fall. I stumble gracefully.”
“You have blood running down your shin!”
“I need to close my tab.”

Humiliation complete.

Desperate Download

2 Oct

Are you a pathetic loser who sucks at dating? Do you often find yourself at home on a Friday night, crying into your ice cream while wondering when Prince Charming is going to save you from the shit-breathing dragon that is your life?  Do the employees at your local Vibrators’R’Us know you by name?  Think of all the money you would save on batteries if you could just get a man in your life.

What’s that you say? You can’t get a boyfriend? Well, I’ve got news for you.  There’s an app for that!

Quit uploading new photo’s on your match.com profile.  With the use of this app, your longtime crush will be uploading his dick in your ass in no time!

I’ll share a few tips with you because I am a wonderful friend, and this is what the world has come to.

photo 1

Tip #1

photo 4

If he smiles back, it means he either likes you or he doesn’t.   Notice his face movements. If he cocks his eyebrows, he thinks you’re fucking weird.  If his nostrils flare, he thinks you fucking reek.  Take a shower for heavens sake.  If he closes his eyes, he thinks you are ugly but is contemplating letting you blow him because it is a known fact that ugly girls give great head.

Tip #2.

photo 7

AN OBVIOUS TIP.  Put a bag over your head.

Tip #3.

photo 8

And by putting your arm around his neck I mean, put your lips around his dick. She did say make him happy, at least as much as you can. Because you’re probably a loser.

Tip #4.

photo 9

If you’re not what society has deemed to be beautiful, find out if he likes dimples. If he doesn’t, VOILA!  You’re on your own.  Probably for the rest of your life.

Tip #5.

photo 10

Do NOT kiss with braces! You will get cut, and die! Some boys might be into it, but God sees it as a big NO NO.

Tip #6.

photo 11

Be as picky as possible.  If he doesn’t meet every trait on your list, forget him.  After all, you’re perfect, right?

*If he is good looking, respect for other peoples feelings is not required.

This app could be filed under the category ‘Useless’.

Tip #6.

photo 12

If you don’t have the nerve to approach a guy who has caught your eye, consider being his stalker.  Start by stalking his facebook photos until you find one where you can Photoshop your face next to his.  Break into his bedroom window and leave the picture on his pillow to let him know you are interested.

Tip #7.

photo 5

Go overboard? I’m pretty sure downloading this app was rock bottom.

Tip #8.

Do not use any of the tips listed above.

The reviews raved about this app.  One girl said that it only took the use of one of these tips to find her boyfriend.  I’m pretty confident it was tip #3.

Thank God for Laser Tattoo Removal

5 Sep

Like most of my blog, this post is about what the hell is wrong with people today? When I saw a girl sporting a tramp stamp of a poorly tattooed BatMan emblem, it really made me wonder what thought process, if any, takes place before deciding to make such an everlasting mark on ones body.

I don’t have anything against tattoos. I’ve debated on getting one myself, actually.

I understand wanting to get commemorative tattoos and/or ones that represent your heritage.  What I do not understand is why you would let a 3rd grader with a severe tic be the artist of your choosing.  For the love of God, go to a reputable parlor. Your cousin, Rick the Hick,  and his $50.00 equipment he ordered off of Ebay, is in no way, shape, or form, a good choice.

Learn from others mistakes:

This piece of shit looks like it was drawn on an etch a sketch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who knew cooks had so many confining laws to adhere to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lactose intolerant, maybe?

 

 

Pegasus style? sure why not?  Flying high in the sky, but only he has wings. Why is his horn so much smaller than hers? Why does he look so angry when he is in pink territory?  How did she light that cigarette?

 

 

She won’t ever regret this. Solid decision.

 

 

There’s a woman you don’t want to forget.  Smile of an angel.

 

 

Winning at Losing

Winning aka losing… in so many ways. This tattoo makes me bleed from my eyes. I never knew Charlie Sheen had so many freckles.

The truth is you should think before you ink!

No News would be more interesting news…

25 Aug

I open up Yahoo!’s homepage on Monday morning and “Suri Cruise learns how to ride a bike” is the biggest, boldest news headline I see.  First of all, the LAST thing I want to read about when I arrive at work on an early Monday morning is a spoiled, little, rich girl who will probably never have to work a day in her life. My retina’s are burning. Secondly, can someone please tell me how the fuck this is FRONT PAGE NEWS?

Quick, somebody alert the President! A 6 year-old girl is learning how to ride a bike!  I’m more surprised they haven’t bought her a hover craft, yet.

If Suri was learning how to ride public transportation, then that might be news. If she was learning how to roll a joint, then that might be news.  If she was learning that her father is an overrated wackjob, then she might be catching up with the rest of the world.

Is this really what the general population cares about?

EXTRA! EXTRA! Extra stupid shit in the news today.

Here comes Trash TV

6 Aug

… and I will most likely be tuning in, at least to see what it’s all about.

While flipping through the channels I landed on Toddlers and Tiaras.  I happened to catch the episode of Honey Boo Boo aka Alana Thompson.  Wow. Here is a clip from the show on TLC:

After that show aired she apparently become the talk of the town. And now it landed her a reality spin off series on TLC called Here comes Honey Boo Boo.  It starts Aug. 8th at 10 pm.

Before:

After:

 

I need to quit watching trash tv and start watching make up tutorials.

 

Signs You’re Incredibly Boring

24 Jul

One of the searches I mentioned in my last post was for signs you’re incredibly boring. Well, why not give the people what they want?

1. The fact that you are searching for signs and symptoms of being a boring blob should raise a red flag.

2. If you take a quiz entitled Do you have a Boring Personality?  then you are a monotonous loser.  It should be insulting enough to your ego to even click on that link.

3. If you have less than 20 contacts in your phone, you are probably a lame ass.  If your incoming call list only consists of calls from your parents and therapist, I pity your soul.

4. If the few friends you do have eat Captain Crunch cereal in your presence just to drown out the sound of your vapid story, you are one boring son of a dick.

5. If you consider spooning to be a sexual activity then you are boring, and kind of a prude.

6. If your last Facebook status was “reading my facebook newsfeed” you are ten kinds of boring.

7. If your idea of a party is a box of wine and a Dr. Phil marathon then you need to change your life. And by changing your life, I mean getting one would be a good place to start.

8. If nobody has ever talked shit about you then you are just too damn boring to talk about. And trust me, people can manipulate any story into front page news of the Daily Trash Tribune.

9. If you are speaking to someone and they continually answer with ‘uh-huh’, ‘true’, ‘okay’, ‘what? I’m sorry I must have dozed off’, then you are most likely killing them silently with your duller than dull attempt at conversation.

10. If most of your clothes look very much alike then your style is blander than a head of lettuce. Seriously, I’ve breathed oxygen that had more taste.

11.  If you read this for a reason other than entertainment value, like say, to see if you are actually boring, well then, you are about as boring and useless as a silent movie at a blind convention.

Boredom comes from a boring mind. -Metallica

Never be bored and you’ll never be boring. -Eleanor Roosevelt.

Follow the Yellow Bitch Road.

21 Jul

As my stats number increases I often wonder how these people stumbled upon my lonely, little blog out of the infinite sites available to them on the World Wide Web. Who are they and what are they like?  I had a feeling I might appeal to the annoyed, the sarcastic, and obviously the bitchy.

As luck would have it, WordPress just so happens to reveal what some of these viewers typed into a search engine that ultimately lead them to my page.  Some were my target audience,  sadly the most rare. Other search topics just made me laugh.  And then there are simply the ones that made me want to give up on writing altogether.

Let me elaborate.  The following queries, I shit you not, are what people are actually searching for (spelling and all).  And they landed on my page!  Clearly, I have a problem and it’s my writing.

The Expected

-bitchtastic Bitches

Possibly they have been to my page before?

-how to get rid of an annoying bitch

Easy one, write a blog post about her.

-truthful bitchy rants

Right on.

-tired of stupid people at work.

Ditto.

-I’m a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you.

I like you.

-I bitch therefore I am

I like you even more.

Hahahaha. 

-You know you suck when even your mom unfriends you on facebook.

-loving my work status for facebook

Pathetic.

-signs your incredibly boring

If you’re bored enough to search for the signs then you are a fucking Boron. A Boring Moron.

-your spouse sucking the life out of you

-Life sucks when you have a good heart.

-life sucks without sex

-whats wrong with the world

-fuck is also important in our life.

Fuck yeah.

 

WTF?

-i wonder what normal people think about

I wonder why there aren’t more normal people reading my blog.

-when live sucks jump

WTF? I have never been an advocate of suicide.  Annoying people should not kill themselves. They just shouldn’t breed.

-big boobs ugly face

I need something funny, but insulting for the insecure girls stalking on facebook

-Red traffic light hooker

facebook stalking… i wish you would update more

-real boob

 

WTF? ON CRACK

-Open your mouth a purse falls out

WTF does that even mean? Eat a sandwich like a normal person.

-Wife thinks im a idiot for going bald

I don’t recall ever doing a post on hair restoration or how it may affect your brain function.  Perhaps your wife thought you were an idiot all along.

 

There is more but I think you get the idea.   Anyway, no matter how you found your way here I am glad you made it.

Shit gets real at the Public Pool.

18 Jul

The bitch is back.  I’ve been busy. I graduated from college, met a boy, started looking into better paying jobs, yada yada yada.  But my awesomely supportive friends have encouraged me to continue writing. Even if they are the only 3 people who read it.

I’ve started going to the pool to swim laps for exercise.  Naturally, my friends and I made a few bitchy observations of our fellow pool goers.  We soon realized that the public pool is a place where people lose their inhibitions, and being self-conscious is unheard of.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be the world’s next top model.  But I do make an attempt to be somewhat presentable and not allow myself to look like a street peddling slob.  You don’t have to be a wheat thin to be attractive.  You just need to dress appropriately for your body type.  Translation:  If your body resembles a lightly chewed gummy bear, do not strut around in a string bikini.  And god only knows what the hell you were thinking when you had the Batman emblem permanently inked above your ass crack. All I know is that it gives a whole new, horrific meaning to the term Bat cave. I don’t doubt for a second that an actual bat resided in your rotten rear end.  ANYWAY,  that disclaimer didn’t exactly come out the way I intended.

Some kids seriously piss me off at the pool.  I go to the pool to swim laps.  I am not there to flutter around pretending to be a mermaid.  I am not there to play Crocodile Hunter.  I am not there to play Marco Polo, blindly thrashing around like a retarded beaver.  I am there for exercise. Stay out of my way unless you want to play a little game I call Guess how long I can hold the kid underwater before he passes out.  See those lane ropes kid? Those mark MY territory, which I paid for.  If you cross into my lane, I will not hesitate to swim right over you. I don’t care if you swallow water, become disoriented, and flail around until you sink to the bottom.  That is what the lifeguards are for. Where are your unsightly parents, anyway?

Then there are the kids I pity.  Their parents are actually one of the reasons I decided to start going to the pool.  I don’t want to end up like the monstrously overweight, piece of pig meat, that can be seen basking by the kiddie pool, shoveling chili cheese fries into her garbage disposal of a mouth.  I agree, chili cheese fries are delicious. But, it disgusts me to see a morbidly obese person absorbing calories by the nanosecond, without a care in the world.   At least pretend like your health is important to you.

And then Beefasaurus the swimming dinosaur starts screaming at her son across the pool that it is time to leave.  Everyone is staring at you while you lose your voice trying to gain the attention of your mortified child.  Your son  is successfully ignoring you.  The rest of us aren’t as lucky. And no wonder he is ignoring you, you are grotesquely embarrassing. If I was your kid I would wear a shirt that says “I’m adopted”.

I just feel as though some people have lost all respect for themselves as well as those around them.  And it is very apparent at the swimming pool.

The truth is, if you can plug your nipple into your belly button, you shouldn’t be wearing a bikini.

Link

The Look but Don’t Touch It Budget

17 May

The Look but Don’t Touch It Budget

Check out my new post on LAFamily.com.  I have a permanent weekly column there called Diving into Life.