Tag Archives: Facebook

Follow the Yellow Bitch Road.

21 Jul

As my stats number increases I often wonder how these people stumbled upon my lonely, little blog out of the infinite sites available to them on the World Wide Web. Who are they and what are they like?  I had a feeling I might appeal to the annoyed, the sarcastic, and obviously the bitchy.

As luck would have it, WordPress just so happens to reveal what some of these viewers typed into a search engine that ultimately lead them to my page.  Some were my target audience,  sadly the most rare. Other search topics just made me laugh.  And then there are simply the ones that made me want to give up on writing altogether.

Let me elaborate.  The following queries, I shit you not, are what people are actually searching for (spelling and all).  And they landed on my page!  Clearly, I have a problem and it’s my writing.

The Expected

-bitchtastic Bitches

Possibly they have been to my page before?

-how to get rid of an annoying bitch

Easy one, write a blog post about her.

-truthful bitchy rants

Right on.

-tired of stupid people at work.

Ditto.

-I’m a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you.

I like you.

-I bitch therefore I am

I like you even more.

Hahahaha. 

-You know you suck when even your mom unfriends you on facebook.

-loving my work status for facebook

Pathetic.

-signs your incredibly boring

If you’re bored enough to search for the signs then you are a fucking Boron. A Boring Moron.

-your spouse sucking the life out of you

-Life sucks when you have a good heart.

-life sucks without sex

-whats wrong with the world

-fuck is also important in our life.

Fuck yeah.

 

WTF?

-i wonder what normal people think about

I wonder why there aren’t more normal people reading my blog.

-when live sucks jump

WTF? I have never been an advocate of suicide.  Annoying people should not kill themselves. They just shouldn’t breed.

-big boobs ugly face

I need something funny, but insulting for the insecure girls stalking on facebook

-Red traffic light hooker

facebook stalking… i wish you would update more

-real boob

 

WTF? ON CRACK

-Open your mouth a purse falls out

WTF does that even mean? Eat a sandwich like a normal person.

-Wife thinks im a idiot for going bald

I don’t recall ever doing a post on hair restoration or how it may affect your brain function.  Perhaps your wife thought you were an idiot all along.

 

There is more but I think you get the idea.   Anyway, no matter how you found your way here I am glad you made it.

It’s my party and you better not cry.

6 Mar

Quit Crying

When it comes to feelings, I like to keep mine private. When I get upset I tend to bottle it up and put it on the shelf. Which is quite fitting considering I usually have to drink a bottle before I let my guard down. People say that you feel better after you get things off your chest. But I just end up feeling vulnerable. And there is nothing I hate more than that overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. It makes me feel weak.

But that’s just me. Other people are happy to advertise their heartache and failures to anybody that will listen.  I read statuses on facebook all the time that make me go “WTF? Somebody needs a diary”. Does anybody know why it is called a diary? I’ll tell you why; It is because it was invented to prevent diarrhea of the mouth. It’s purpose is to help those with uncontrollable, pathetic feelings pouring out their pie-holes, stinking of desperation and the need for attention.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on. But not when you cry about everything. I hope you can use your frequent crier miles towards a one way ticket out of my face.

The truth is, when you cry about everything, your tears mean nothing. That may sound like a mean thing to say, which is why I said it. Well, that and I speak the truth.

You’ve just become the girl who cried wolf; but without the wolf.  So, you’re just the girl who cried. Over and over again. Until one day everyone stopped caring.

Let me guess, you’re going to cry, aren’t you?

You are ugly when you cry.

Your crying face makes me laugh.

How to mind your own boring business. Part One.

27 Feb

I think we have all heard the advice  “write about what you know.”  Well, I’d like to know why the advice “talk about what you know” never caught on.

We are all guilty of irresistibly sticking our noses where they don’t belong.  As human beings it is only natural for us to be curious about what others are doing.  But most of us manage to not make a habit out of it.

Other people, however, have nothing better to do than contribute to the spread of biased and inaccurate information.  In simple terms,  they like DRAMA. And some people seem to thrive on it.

So I’m going to be direct:

I’m sorry to hear that your life is so mundane that you have to meddle in mine. I really am.

Ha! Actually, no, I’m not. That’s your own fault.

It must be hard to be nothing but a walking vagina without a wisp of an original thought happening upstairs. You should probably get a boob job.  Maybe the attention will help raise your self-esteem.  Although, it shouldn’t. Because they are only interested in your sexual objectification.  You are still as uninteresting as you were yesterday; and a little less annoying than you will be tomorrow.  But at least what you lack in mental capacity you can make up for in cleavage.

There is more silver lining.  You can finally prove me wrong when I said it would be utterly impossible for you to become any more fake. Bravo! You’ve defied the laws of superficiality.

So, I have taken the liberty of noting a few simple steps to start you on your recovery of gossip whoring.

Stop Facebook stalking.
– Facebook is, without a doubt, an abundant source of information and a stealthy way to sneak a peek into people’s private lives. But some people turn it into the Never Ending Story. They stare at Facebook for hours on end just waiting to spread negativity. They hope to catch a glimpse of embarrassing photos soon to be untagged. They wish to read slandering statuses aimed towards their peers. They laugh at the facebook user whose relationship status just changed to single. Then they send out gossip alerts to all their friends. If you’re not involved, stay out of it. And If you’re going to be responsible for passing along crude information at least be sure you have your facts straight; which you don’t, because the fact is, it is none of your business.

If it was your business you wouldn’t be putting the information on blast.

Stop talking about people you don’t know.
-You don’t even know their name. Clearly, you have no association with this person, and unless they plan to pass a new anti-internet-stalking bill, their actions do not affect your life. After all, you would have to have a life for it to be affected.  Not to mention, if you don’t know the person, it is probably old news; you are rehashing the past that the gossip victim would just like to move on from.

Don’t add people on facebook you don’t know, either.  A friend of mine does not make them a friend of yours.  It makes you a stalker.

People do weird things.
This is a major one. Once you learn to accept this you will find that what was once so juicy is not all that uncommon.  In fact, I’m sure you can think of at least one time when you negatively viewed someone because of something they did, only to remember that you once did something very similar.  The point is, if you spread these types of stories it’s bound to cause unjust judgement on those involved. Your distorted and limited knowledge of the subject makes you reek of elementary drama. People have all kinds of reasons for their actions, albeit some crazier than others.  But no matter how moronic, jaw-dropping, or tragic it is, it is still not your business. Let people live their lives.

You should probably search for a career in reality tv, because that’s as close to a real life as you’re going to get.

Do me a favor and don’t open your mouth unless you’re shoveling your feelings into it.

facebook stalking

Facebook or Stalkbook?

To be Continued…