Tag Archives: funny

Thank God for Laser Tattoo Removal

5 Sep

Like most of my blog, this post is about what the hell is wrong with people today? When I saw a girl sporting a tramp stamp of a poorly tattooed BatMan emblem, it really made me wonder what thought process, if any, takes place before deciding to make such an everlasting mark on ones body.

I don’t have anything against tattoos. I’ve debated on getting one myself, actually.

I understand wanting to get commemorative tattoos and/or ones that represent your heritage.  What I do not understand is why you would let a 3rd grader with a severe tic be the artist of your choosing.  For the love of God, go to a reputable parlor. Your cousin, Rick the Hick,  and his $50.00 equipment he ordered off of Ebay, is in no way, shape, or form, a good choice.

Learn from others mistakes:

This piece of shit looks like it was drawn on an etch a sketch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who knew cooks had so many confining laws to adhere to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lactose intolerant, maybe?

 

 

Pegasus style? sure why not?  Flying high in the sky, but only he has wings. Why is his horn so much smaller than hers? Why does he look so angry when he is in pink territory?  How did she light that cigarette?

 

 

She won’t ever regret this. Solid decision.

 

 

There’s a woman you don’t want to forget.  Smile of an angel.

 

 

Winning at Losing

Winning aka losing… in so many ways. This tattoo makes me bleed from my eyes. I never knew Charlie Sheen had so many freckles.

The truth is you should think before you ink!

It’s my party and you better not cry.

6 Mar

Quit Crying

When it comes to feelings, I like to keep mine private. When I get upset I tend to bottle it up and put it on the shelf. Which is quite fitting considering I usually have to drink a bottle before I let my guard down. People say that you feel better after you get things off your chest. But I just end up feeling vulnerable. And there is nothing I hate more than that overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. It makes me feel weak.

But that’s just me. Other people are happy to advertise their heartache and failures to anybody that will listen.  I read statuses on facebook all the time that make me go “WTF? Somebody needs a diary”. Does anybody know why it is called a diary? I’ll tell you why; It is because it was invented to prevent diarrhea of the mouth. It’s purpose is to help those with uncontrollable, pathetic feelings pouring out their pie-holes, stinking of desperation and the need for attention.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on. But not when you cry about everything. I hope you can use your frequent crier miles towards a one way ticket out of my face.

The truth is, when you cry about everything, your tears mean nothing. That may sound like a mean thing to say, which is why I said it. Well, that and I speak the truth.

You’ve just become the girl who cried wolf; but without the wolf.  So, you’re just the girl who cried. Over and over again. Until one day everyone stopped caring.

Let me guess, you’re going to cry, aren’t you?

You are ugly when you cry.

Your crying face makes me laugh.

Chocolates go on Sale tomorrow!!

14 Feb

Happy Valentines Day!

Love,  the bitchy truth

I’m not single, I am my own Boss.

13 Feb

It’s almost Valentines Day otherwise known as Single-people-can-go-fuck-themselves-because-obviously-nobody-else-wants-to Day.   Clearly,  it’s one of my favorite holidays of the year.  Between the flowers, candy, and other overpriced bullshit, I can hardly contain myself.  If you can smell sarcasm it’s because I’ve been soaking in it.  And it’s not that I’m a lonely old, bag lady.  I’m not jaded. I absolutely believe in love.  I have a heart, even if it is cold.

I just feel that love is misunderstood.  I want to slap people all day because of the mindless, dim-witted, dickshit decisions they make.  And then they want to blame their desperate acts of retardation and rejection on being blinded by love.  Your girlfriend was impregnated by your best friend.  I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t love you, or even like you.  And it’s probably because you’re a low-self esteem, doormat, who can’t say no.  Take a bitch’s advice and hop off that hoe train.  Unfortunately, my advice won’t be taken and they will continue their long, tragic, on and off again, mind torture they call a relationship.  I hope you really enjoy that mess of a broad and banging the cold, worn out cavern gaping between her forever spread legs.  And don’t worry, the clap is totally curable.

If that’s what love is, I don’t want any.

Of course, there are some decent couples out there.  They actually make me sicker than the doormat folk.  But it’s only because life isn’t fair.  Some of us have to wait to find love.  Wait, and wait, and wait, and fucking wait.  But that’s okay, I spend my waiting time being fabulously single, enjoying my freedom to bitch at anybody who crosses my path.  Because while love can be great and all, with love and relationships come rules.  And bitches don’t like rules, unless we are the ones enforcing them.

As soon as you commit to someone things naturally progress into owning one another.  A Marriage Certificate is just a fancy term for Bill of Sale.  Congratulations on your wedding! You’ve just become property.

1. You spend all your time together.  There’s only one person I can spend every second of my life with, and that’s me!  And I can only handle that because I drink a lot.

2. They constantly want to know where you are, what you’re doing and who you are with.   Well since you asked, I’m apparently on a short leash, waving goodbye to my freedom with the warden himself.

3. They think they can go through your phone. Bitch, touch my phone and we are finished. I’ve got way too much to hide.

4. You have to pretend to like what they like.  Golf? I can’t even fake it.

5. They get comfortable with you.  Comfortable is so unattractive. Sweat pants? Burping? Pooping? Absolutely not.   That’s why I always look out for others and try to make them as uncomfortable as possible.

6. You have to buy them stuff.  If I have to buy you a gift to reciprocate you buying me a gift then that counteracts the thoughtfulness of you buying me a gift because we might as well just buy our own shit.  So keep the gifts coming but I won’t be buying you anything because that way what you bought me will mean more.  You don’t have to understand it. Trust me, I’m right.

So, somebody should call the Nobel Prize people because I just disproved the theory that Love is Blind. It’s not blind, it’s stupid.  It’s all heart and no brain.  But there is no denying that it’s out there. Just waiting to get you in its grasp so it can eat your mind and soul.  Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

Then again, maybe love is blind, because it obviously hasn’t seen how incredibly fantastic I am.  All I know is I plan to spend this Valentines Day following my heart and spending it with the person who brings the most satisfaction to my life.  My bartender.

Love can’t be controlled.  You can’t live with it, you can’t live without it. It’s unstoppable. Love is your boss.   And your boss is a BITCH. ya dig?

I am my own Bitch. Game on.

10 Feb

Have you ever gotten too close to a person too quickly, only to realize that they are a psycho, boy-crazed, desperate for attention, bring-you-down coffin of depression? I have. The question for me is, am I ready to call her a deleted scene? I am not sure I am ready to call it quits after all the time I’ve spent training her (that’s another entry). After all, every educated bitch knows to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But even I have my limits. She has the incredible ability to suck the life right out of you while still portraying the victim. Its uncanny, and I always give credit where credit is due. She absolutely deserves an award for the ability to stick her head so far up her inflated ass that she actually believes her own misconstrued bullshit.

I may be a bitch but I still consider myself a rational person. So, is it possible the problem is that she is better at being a bitch than I am? Has she discovered an entire new dimension of bitch?

No, it can’t be. She’s not that smart.

I think her problem is that she’s evil. Just like there is white magic and black magic; the good bitch and the evil bitch also exist. Like white magic, I only use my gift of bitchiness for good. My sarcasm is like a ray of light shining through a dark cloud. It was even rumored that it had the ability to make a tree smile. It’s common sense that when I tell a friend her gown reminds me of the one my grandma had to wear in the hospital, it’s not because I want to hurt her feelings. It’s because I take the red carpet everywhere I go and I can’t afford to be seen with someone who raided Helen Keller’s closet. I have her best interest at heart.

The evil bitch, on the other hand, is manipulative, unrelenting, and morose. You won’t realize it at first. Even good bitches get duped on occasion. Sooner than later though, you will realize the evil bitch’s goal in life is to make you as miserable and alone as she is. And be forewarned, being the good bitch that you are, you will have the instinctual urge to help this wretched broad. But let it be known, they can not be helped. The evil bitch’s determination to bring you down can’t be destroyed.

And I for one have put up with it for too long. I guess I answered my question… but we will see when I decide to pull the trigger. Maybe she can come back for a guest appearance. But for now, I’d say her goose is cooked. and loose. Because that girl couldn’t keep her legs closed if you broke them and tied them together.

Since I once considered this hot mess a friend, I’m going to do my best to let her down easy. Which shouldn’t be an issue because I’ve heard she goes down easy.

I feel like I’ve put forth as much effort as I can to make this relationship work. It’s like a long break up. Where we are constantly on and off again. That’s not the kind of relationship I’m looking for. We should have just stayed broken up the first time. I wanted it to work. I really did. But sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

Translation:

I’m done being your bitch in this relationship. It’s reminds me of an ugly divorce. You are constantly whining and I am tired of you bringing me down. I deserve better than that. You were always a mistake. I wanted it to work. I really did. But then I realized you’re an evil bitch.

Or maybe I should make things interesting?

The evil bitch made it a competition.

I’m going to make it a good one.

Get on the Bitch Train.

9 Feb

image

I’ve never been fond of introductions. It must be the awkward handshake soon followed by forced conversation. Honestly, I just met you and unless you hold future boyfriend potential, I won’t waste much of my time getting to know you. Some may call it shallow, but I prefer to think of it as good time management.

But everyone needs friends, right? Life without friends is like life without sarcasm. Why bother? But, as it says in the name I’m here to tell the truth even if it makes me a bitch. There are times when I just can’t seem to handle all of my friends pulling me in every different direction. Even after moving to a new place I already feel as though I am at friend capacity. So when some unintelligent life form tries to befriend me, you can bet I try to cut right to the chase. I won’t be flat out mean to the little freak, but it won’t take a genius to realize they bombed their first audition so badly that if my life were a movie I wouldn’t even hire them as a background actor.

Every once in awhile I come across a trouble making douche that somehow managed to fool me into thinking they earned a role in my life. However, it’s not long before that gravy train comes to a screeching halt. They are what I like to refer to as a deleted scene. And as soon as they commit whatever heinous act that reveals their true colors, I’ve got 10 more understudies just waiting for their chance at stardom. That’s where I like to utilize my Friend Wait List. The wait list consists of people I want to socialize with but simply don’t have the time for due to my friend capacity. You’re probably thinking that I am completely immoral and have total disregard for peoples feelings. Yeah, I get it. They are humans with real emotions! Let’s get one thing clear, I treat my friends with the utmost respect and devotion. That is why I had to develop such a unique system. And if you don’t like it, you don’t have to use it. I doubt you ever reach friend capacity, anyway.

And, of course, we can’t forget my costars. These are the friends that have been around the longest and are basically royalty in my book. They’re the ones almost as bitchy as me and always have my back. Sequels will flop without their characters.

So, for those of you looking to reach friend capacity, I’ve found that the best way to make new friends is to get a hobby. I chose drinking. I can assure you I have done plenty of research. Some of my costars can all be traced back to our first drunk encounter. Although, after boarding the crazy train with a nonstop ticket to Drunky Town, I found myself somewhat embarrassed in the morning. I didn’t want my new friend to know I was that much of a train wreck so soon. But no worries! Time and time again, they keep coming back for more. There is just something about peeing in a parking lot together that really creates a bonding experience.

So, drink up bitches! I have a feeling we are going to be great friends.