The truth is…
You have to pick your battles, or your entire life will be a war.
One of the searches I mentioned in my last post was for signs you’re incredibly boring. Well, why not give the people what they want?
1. The fact that you are searching for signs and symptoms of being a boring blob should raise a red flag.
2. If you take a quiz entitled Do you have a Boring Personality? then you are a monotonous loser. It should be insulting enough to your ego to even click on that link.
3. If you have less than 20 contacts in your phone, you are probably a lame ass. If your incoming call list only consists of calls from your parents and therapist, I pity your soul.
4. If the few friends you do have eat Captain Crunch cereal in your presence just to drown out the sound of your vapid story, you are one boring son of a dick.
5. If you consider spooning to be a sexual activity then you are boring, and kind of a prude.
6. If your last Facebook status was “reading my facebook newsfeed” you are ten kinds of boring.
7. If your idea of a party is a box of wine and a Dr. Phil marathon then you need to change your life. And by changing your life, I mean getting one would be a good place to start.
8. If nobody has ever talked shit about you then you are just too damn boring to talk about. And trust me, people can manipulate any story into front page news of the Daily Trash Tribune.
9. If you are speaking to someone and they continually answer with ‘uh-huh’, ‘true’, ‘okay’, ‘what? I’m sorry I must have dozed off’, then you are most likely killing them silently with your duller than dull attempt at conversation.
10. If most of your clothes look very much alike then your style is blander than a head of lettuce. Seriously, I’ve breathed oxygen that had more taste.
11. If you read this for a reason other than entertainment value, like say, to see if you are actually boring, well then, you are about as boring and useless as a silent movie at a blind convention.
Never be bored and you’ll never be boring. -Eleanor Roosevelt.
My second article is up on LAFamily.com in the Life After College section!
My partner in crime sent this to me. Apparently the evil bitch has her own show.
The day has come, folks. I finally managed to make the evil bitch a deleted scene in the movie I call life. And let me tell you, it feels like a brothel house has been lifted off my shoulders.
She still had some of my belongings and I had one of her bags. So, we needed to make a trade. If she didn’t return my things I was going to have her ex boyfriend take a dump in her bag and leave it on her car with a note reading “here’s your shit back.” I thought it fitting after all the shit she has given me.
We still have some mutual friends which is unfortunate. But, that’s only because she is clinging to them like glitter to a stripper. I predict things getting better and better though.
When it comes to feelings, I like to keep mine private. When I get upset I tend to bottle it up and put it on the shelf. Which is quite fitting considering I usually have to drink a bottle before I let my guard down. People say that you feel better after you get things off your chest. But I just end up feeling vulnerable. And there is nothing I hate more than that overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. It makes me feel weak.
But that’s just me. Other people are happy to advertise their heartache and failures to anybody that will listen. I read statuses on facebook all the time that make me go “WTF? Somebody needs a diary”. Does anybody know why it is called a diary? I’ll tell you why; It is because it was invented to prevent diarrhea of the mouth. It’s purpose is to help those with uncontrollable, pathetic feelings pouring out their pie-holes, stinking of desperation and the need for attention.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on. But not when you cry about everything. I hope you can use your frequent crier miles towards a one way ticket out of my face.
The truth is, when you cry about everything, your tears mean nothing. That may sound like a mean thing to say, which is why I said it. Well, that and I speak the truth.
You’ve just become the girl who cried wolf; but without the wolf. So, you’re just the girl who cried. Over and over again. Until one day everyone stopped caring.
Let me guess, you’re going to cry, aren’t you?
I think we have all heard the advice “write about what you know.” Well, I’d like to know why the advice “talk about what you know” never caught on.
We are all guilty of irresistibly sticking our noses where they don’t belong. As human beings it is only natural for us to be curious about what others are doing. But most of us manage to not make a habit out of it.
Other people, however, have nothing better to do than contribute to the spread of biased and inaccurate information. In simple terms, they like DRAMA. And some people seem to thrive on it.
So I’m going to be direct:
I’m sorry to hear that your life is so mundane that you have to meddle in mine. I really am.
Ha! Actually, no, I’m not. That’s your own fault.
It must be hard to be nothing but a walking vagina without a wisp of an original thought happening upstairs. You should probably get a boob job. Maybe the attention will help raise your self-esteem. Although, it shouldn’t. Because they are only interested in your sexual objectification. You are still as uninteresting as you were yesterday; and a little less annoying than you will be tomorrow. But at least what you lack in mental capacity you can make up for in cleavage.
There is more silver lining. You can finally prove me wrong when I said it would be utterly impossible for you to become any more fake. Bravo! You’ve defied the laws of superficiality.
So, I have taken the liberty of noting a few simple steps to start you on your recovery of gossip whoring.
Stop Facebook stalking.
– Facebook is, without a doubt, an abundant source of information and a stealthy way to sneak a peek into people’s private lives. But some people turn it into the Never Ending Story. They stare at Facebook for hours on end just waiting to spread negativity. They hope to catch a glimpse of embarrassing photos soon to be untagged. They wish to read slandering statuses aimed towards their peers. They laugh at the facebook user whose relationship status just changed to single. Then they send out gossip alerts to all their friends. If you’re not involved, stay out of it. And If you’re going to be responsible for passing along crude information at least be sure you have your facts straight; which you don’t, because the fact is, it is none of your business.
If it was your business you wouldn’t be putting the information on blast.
Stop talking about people you don’t know.
-You don’t even know their name. Clearly, you have no association with this person, and unless they plan to pass a new anti-internet-stalking bill, their actions do not affect your life. After all, you would have to have a life for it to be affected. Not to mention, if you don’t know the person, it is probably old news; you are rehashing the past that the gossip victim would just like to move on from.
Don’t add people on facebook you don’t know, either. A friend of mine does not make them a friend of yours. It makes you a stalker.
People do weird things.
This is a major one. Once you learn to accept this you will find that what was once so juicy is not all that uncommon. In fact, I’m sure you can think of at least one time when you negatively viewed someone because of something they did, only to remember that you once did something very similar. The point is, if you spread these types of stories it’s bound to cause unjust judgement on those involved. Your distorted and limited knowledge of the subject makes you reek of elementary drama. People have all kinds of reasons for their actions, albeit some crazier than others. But no matter how moronic, jaw-dropping, or tragic it is, it is still not your business. Let people live their lives.
You should probably search for a career in reality tv, because that’s as close to a real life as you’re going to get.
Do me a favor and don’t open your mouth unless you’re shoveling your feelings into it.
To be Continued…